TORONTO’S BACKYARD AXE THROWING LEAGUE

Vice: What is your axe throwing talent?
Dan “The Heckler”: I won the Best Heckling Award for Wednesday night.
V: Can you give me an example?
D: Well, this evening, I accused Wilson, the guy who won and owns the league, of making the Wednesday league solely so that he could get his name on the wall. Another one was John, a guy I’ve known for like 11 years who throws perfect games, I tell him not to fuck up and that if he does he’ll fail at life because his reputation is on the line. I also called him a Teletubby, which made him bomb his axe. What are some other good heckles? Oh this one guy, Eric, has this shirt he wears like every week, and he can’t wash it because he drew on it with Markers so he fucking reeks like shit.
V: Oh, I smelled that!
D: We call Wilson “Commissioner Gordon” and we tell Batman jokes, like how he fucks Robin. The thing is that if you hit the wall and it bounces off it’s called a “gay” and so both guys hitting a “gay” it’s called a “double gay” so they’re essentially fucking each other. And at the start of a game, you’re like getting the same result over and over we call that “doing it like fags”. Not that we hate gays; it’s just for the sake of derogatoriness, like South Park. I mean, what else are you gonna say, “I disagree with your ability to separate your choices from mine”? No, we’re going to call him a fucking faggot.
V: Well-put.
D: One more–Sean’s ass. Sean for some reason gave me his camera one night so I took like 150 pictures of his ass the whole night and he was trying to find photos to put up on Facebook to show his mom but all of them were of his ass, Sean, mid-stride, booty in the shot. He was like, “Dude, there is nothing I can show my mom”. So now, Sean’s got like eight pictures of his ass on Facebook, it’s pretty funny.
V: Clever.
D: I’m 100 percent sober right now. I don’t drink or do any drugs, and I am THIS fucked-up right now.
V: I almost wish you hadn’t told me that.